As I wrote in the earlier post (Expressing Sadness – Part 1 https://requesteringviolet.wordpress.com/2019/07/01/expressing-sadness-part-1/), mentioning details on reasons why I got hurt, who hurt me, etc., is equivalent to play the ‘Blame and Shame Game’, which my inner self will never give permission for.
This is my side of the coin!
First few years of marriage should feel like a fairy-tale? You feel that too, right? However, my case was just the opposite. Reality struck and dragged me out of the dream world as soon as I entered. That’s the first time I felt something is amiss.
Before going further, I have a mere request to make of you all.
Whenever you decide to get married, indulge in a deep conversation with your partner beforehand. Talk about your expectations from marriage, your priorities in life, and your future together as a couple, etc., to make things clear. Letting your expectations know is the best wedding gift you could possibly give. You should not let your partner assume the conventional meaning of marriage if you feel the other way around. The long and the short of it is that Expression of Thoughts and Feelings is an important aspect for communication.
Looking back on my past, I was married for four years. In those years, I made a lot of connections. Some were pure and some were pretentious only to satisfy social norms. There was one thing in common though, all of these relationships left me completely exhausted and resentful at the end of the day.
What did I feel?
A lot of energy gets drained out when continuous efforts are made for a relationship to work. You crave for that validation and appreciation for your role in the relationship. You urge to be around people and for them to like you.
I was on my toes at all times to work for that acceptance into the club (my ex’s family, relatives, friends including him). I firmly believed that my failure in getting accepted will bring embarrassment to my partner and I certainly didn’t want that. I never wanted to give him a reason to feel disappointed in me.
I wanted to excel in every relationship in connection with my wedlock.
There were many instances where I did things which I disliked just to please and make people happy. My presence in any relationship would have a meaning only if the other person is happy. This was my belief then.
But I didn’t realize that I was losing my identity.
In this process to make everyone happy somewhere my first name got lost. I forgot about my happiness.
In social gatherings and parties rarely I had a genuine smile on my face. Most of the times I wasn’t there mentally, only my body’s presence could be felt.
My Heart, Mind and Soul felt empty.
My soul wasn’t happy where I was but my mind constantly reminded me to look happy for the world. Has it ever happened with you? Have you ever felt empty and hollow from within?
I lost contact with myself. To regain that connect I did everything I could. Nothing worked. At last, I confided in my family after several futile attempts in other things. I’m blessed to have a family who is like friends to me. I love them with all my heart and grateful to have them. Finally, an option that helped me come out of Sadness and to feel Happy again. (More on this in the next part.)
Thank you very much for your presence here.
A lot more thoughts and words are on their way and you shall read them soon.
It takes a lot of courage to express when you are hurting. Expressing sadness, pain, hurt, grief, melancholy, sorrow or misery could be a blessing in disguise. Otherwise, you shall be stuck in an ongoing loop of pain if you don’t understand the power this emotion holds.
I would love to hear your stories. Please share your thoughts and feelings in the comment section below.